Ok, so I know Vang Vieng got a lot of bad press a few years ago because of some deaths, but the local government has actually sorted it out a lot, and it’s (relatively) safe now. This means that when tubing down the river you can no longer do 20-meter high, unsecured ziplines after five shots of tequila, or triple backflips off the crazy slide into the one-meter deep water. So if you do still manage to die, it would be entirely your own, idiotic, fault.
With that said, let’s see if we can still find some fun ways to off-yourself in the party capital of Laos!
Back in 2010 before young travellers started treating Vang Vieng like a euthanasia clinic, all the bars tried to outdo each other by having an hour of free drinks at the same time. Realizing this simply split the clientele up and didn’t really supply anyone with enough decent business, they agreed to each have an individual one-hour time slot. This tradition lives on today and as a result, you can drink for four straight hours, every night, completely free – if you know in which order to visit the bars! This becomes considerably more difficult after bar number two, but I think I managed it once. Or not. Who knows? Not me.
Get lost in a cave.
Up by Blue Lagoon 3 (or whichever number they’ve decided to call it today), deep in the jungle you’ll find a tiny hole that leads into a huge, pitch black cave that is entirely unguided, unlit and unmanaged in any way. It’s just a big, long, black hole in the mountain – old school vibes.
Within this ‘Indiana Jones’ style death trap you can enjoy getting completely and utterly lost by forgetting a twist or turn on the way back out and running out of battery on your shitty iPhone 5. I do not recommend this. I hyperventilated a lot.
Personally, of course, I would never touch drugs because they’re bad mmmkay, but I’ve heard from a friend of a friend that apparently there may be one or two things and thangs floating about old V-V. I’m not sure how true this is but it was strange that the items on the back of my restaurant menu read like a Nirvana b-sides album.
Maybe ‘opium’ is just a type of pizza. Who knows?? (I do. It’s not).
Break your neck playing basketball
The only remaining danger along the tubing route is an awesome wooden basketball court, which in practice would be entirely safe if it weren’t for an overhead sprinkler system which rains down on the court all day. Admittedly, this keeps you nice and cool in the 40-degree Celsius weather, but also keeps the court as slippery as a naughty nuns noony – resulting in, at best whiplash, and at worst, a fatal head injury.
Dying of starvation while trying to find “Blue Lagoon 2”
Just give up, it doesn’t exist, and the first free drinks hour is starting soon!
Disclaimer 2: The information in this article is satirical and the writer takes no responsibility for injury or death resulting from partaking in or re-enacting any activities described. Like, seriously guys, sort your lives out.
Read more about Laos here: Laos